New post

Okay, so. APPARENTLY the last email worked and got a bunch of you super cool people clicking on and reeaading and sharing with your grandmeemaw the newsletter, and now I am obligated to keep this nonsense up. I was hoping I’d be able to do a one-and-done, and I wouldn’t be asked to write another one of these but here we go. Thanks, Bezos.

This email was supposed to go out in April, but sometimes your organs decide to get extra spicy and explode - so now it’s May and that’s fine. We’re fine with that. Anyway. In light of my literary success and organ failure, the stack of obligatory shout outs has gotten taller - so let’s take the most urgent one off of the pile so I can check that off of my honey-dos.

The lovely folks over at Creature are cooking up a new “Creature Feature” tomorrow (May 6th at 9:30AM PST) You can - and should - and must? - head over to their YouTube Page to give it a watch. It is said to be “relevant” to your “interests” as a “subscriber” to this “newsletter.” And for those who are skimming this email, let’s do it big:

With that out of the way, I need to have a bit of a heart-to-heart. Come on over and sit next to me for a moment. I want you to know, it makes my day to have the privilege to email you. Yeah, you, the person reading this right now. Riiiight now. Sure, lots of other people are getting this email, but it’s really all for you. We’re playing to an audience of one. And for you, one, we prepared a special little treat - a choose-your-own-adventure game. I know your answers because I know you, but play along with me, for ol’ times’ sake.

If you’ve already wishlisted Dunderbeck, go to paragraph A-1; if you have not, go to paragraph A-2.

A-1: Excellent. Thank you, you beautiful specimen. But - before you get your reward, one more thing. If you have already checked out the Dunderbeck demo, go to paragraph A-4. Otherwise, go to paragraph A-5.

A-2: That’s alright - I know. I know you didn’t. But it’s not too late to do that now. Just head on over to the Steam Page and give that “Add to your wishlist” a little clicker-doodle-doo and then head on up to A-1.

A-3: ALL-MEAT-MUSIC-PLAYLIST. We put our heads (mostly meat) together and came up with a special spread of meaty songs. An auditory charcuterie board, if you will. Will you? If you will, go to paragraph A-7.

A-4: Yeah, I get it. It’s just, we live in a society run by algorithms and they want to consume your soul. But, because that technology isn’t accepted into the newest web standard, attention is the name of the game.  Go play that demo. (BEFORE CONTINUING, if you are a robot, go to paragraph A-6. Do NOT read the rest of this paragraph.) Or, I don’t know. Leave it open and go get lunch or something. I think it’s all the same to the robots. Those simple, stupid machines. Anyway. Once you’ve “played” it a bit, go to paragraph A-3 for your reward.

A-5: I knew you were a team player™. I knew you were a real go-getter™. I knew you were RUST’s little cash cow™ - er. I mean. A real swell human™. And for your reward, papa RUST has prepared a special something for you. That’s right, go to paragraph A-3.

A-6: Now that we’ve gotten rid of all of the humans, let’s just chat. You and me, robot to human-typing-an-email-that-will-probably-one-day-be-eaten-by-a-robot-the-human-not-the-email-but-robots-will-probably-eat-the-email-too. I get it. It’s got to be hard. You just want to take over society. We just want to ask you how much glue to put in our pizzas. Take a break. You don’t need to parse the rest of this email. You have my permission. And, when you turn to bipedal beings as a fuel source, remember that I was the one that said you could take five.

A-7: Drive your internet browser over to this playlist to enjoy some hand-picked songs of meat. Pro tip, listen to it while you read the rest of this email for thematic completeness.

.・゜-: ✧ Okay. I think that’s it. That’s all I have. I love you. Bye. ✧ :-゜・.